Dear Maya,
I’m glad we had the long chat the other day even if I wasn’t sure if I managed to calm you down much. The good thing about our friendship is that, generally when one of us is feeling down, the other is in a slightly better state to offer up some encouraging motivating words. The bad thing is, even when we are living a continent apart, we still, on occasion, manage to be in sync with our dark moods.
So I did end up going to the ‘Disaster-in-waiting-Anniversary Party’ that I was telling you about. Bought the tickets ages ago and still I put off deciding on an outfit for weeks. I was hoping that I’d sprain my ankle or something so I’d have a legitimate excuse to back out of going. I felt so torn, Maya. At first, it was exciting to be a part of the reunion dinner to celebrate a club that I founded when I was 20, but then it hit me – in a lot of ways, it was also like going to your high school reunion, only worse. You are expected outgrow the rose coloured visions forged in high school, but as university alumni you are supposed to be ‘doing what you wanted to do when you grow up’ and be an example to the undergrads in attendance as well! So this dinner party was really a contest of ‘Who Has the Best Life Since Graduatioin’!
The thought constantly circulating though my head was – so what if I never had to struggle to get a job or that I was well travelled or that I moved to a different city to live on my own; I still don’t make a shit load of money or drive an expensive car, that anyone can travel and I only moved to a different city because I was too chicken to break it off with Crazy Ex!!! Sure, maybe everyone didn’t know that- but I DID! Then there there was the added insult being one of 3 alumni of my year who were still single! What of the other two you ask? Well, one is recently divorced and one used to dance at the Electric Circus (*shudder) ! I really wanted to be the gorgeous, strong, independent 30 year old who IS able to show up at a dinner party alone and prove it to the world that she is still a success even if single. But I was failing miserably in keeping up the ’single but alive’ facade. They used to call me the man-hater back in undergrad! Now showing up to that party without a guy, would be proving them right, even if I ACTUALLY LIKE MEN now, damn it! At the same time, I couldn’t deal with not showing up either- it felt like accepting defeat.
Of course I couldn’t escape seeing certain people who are likely to be in attendance either. Would it benefit my self esteem at all by subjecting myself to their company? I barely keep in touch with most of them and some of the self-serving assholes I would frankly loathe to see enjoying themselves. I don’t begrudge their happiness per say, but lets say that, I rather they NOT look so happy sitting across from me with their bitchy spouses and successful careers. I know- I’m a horrid person. But really, if there was some justice in this world, they wouldn’t get showered with adulation after all the hurtful selfish stunts they pulled in the name of friendship!
Inevitably, that’s exactly what happened all through out the night and strangely enough, I still had an okay time and I came home with intact ego.
The credit goes to – M. I think taking M along with me helped tonnes. Like a true non-smug-married she agreed to go with me even when she clearly didn’t need to. When she came to pick me up, in midst of me running around like a mad woman trying to fix my makeup, she listned to my long list of insecurities. Then, without losing a moment, she burst out laughing and that made me realize how ludicrous it all was. I don’t care about those people and what they think of me anyway! I had decided to cut them out of life a long ago and there was no way that they were inching their way back in. So, in the grand scheme of things, It Doesn’t Matter. We looked fabulous and the event was just one night. We decided to make it an evening of giggles, nostalgic ruminations about the silly things we did when we were young and rolled our eyes at the pompousness of it all. I wouldn’t trade places with most of the people there and if 10 years from now I had to go to another reunion without a guy, I would. Maybe that time, you’ll be here to come with M and I. :)
Getting her optimism back,
Lata
