Date # 1: Success…and yet, not a success…

Let me be honest. I don’t think I will ever be comfortable with the idea of dating someone from online. Which is weird, because I *KNOW* there is no stigma attached to it, I am always genuinely pleased for those who have met their significant others online, and I never come away thinking – “oo can you believe it, they met online?”. And yet, when it comes dwn to it, for myself, I just know it’s not what I can handle. The pressure is too much, the stupid way I react is even worse. Why is this guy not messaging me? Why is THAT guy messaging me? Is this the best I can do? Am I the best he can do? OMG what if I don’t get enough interest? What I get enough interest and I’m not interested? 

Anyway, now that you all know the silly thoughts that torture me about this, let me tell you about my first date in … ages. So as you know, the trouble with eharmony is that all the profiles blend in…they start sounding the same. So it really doesn’t matter what the name is on that profile : bucky, ducky, plucky – whatever- they all sound like the same person to me…. So when a person wants to start communication, the way for me to “judge” a person (in as much as you can judge someone you haven’t met and know nothing about), is based on the first set of questions they send me. So of the few “interests” that came my way, I started more or less communicating with this one person – let’s call him uhm.. A* ( I figure I’ll start with the first letter of the alphabet - I doubt I’ll ever need more than A-Z when talking about my dating life…) 

Now A* was all rite – his picture suggested that he could be a bit grouchy, which is not such a bad thing, in my opinion. A little portly, but since I’m now 23 lbs more than what I should be, I figured it’s not a good time to be a shallow bitch.  But anyway, so we went through the “guided” communication stages and then started emailing each other. Then, on Wednesday, he messages me asking for my number/email – which I give him, and he texts me right away to ask if we can meet up for drinks Thursday. Since I had a class, we rescheduled to Friday…

Come Friday evening, I get there around 9:20 and I have to say, he seems much shorter than the 5’8″ he states in his  profile. BUT, he was all right enough I suppose. We get our drinks, and find some seats and start talking… which is when I started realizing why I just don’t do dates… Dont’ get me wrong, I was nice, he was nice. I think I was too nice because soon he was telling me about his most recent girlfriend, and where it went wrong… and then he was horrified he had broken rule#1 of dating (talking about an ex to a potential) and was all apologetic. The sad part was that I was relieved he’d done that ! This would allow me to say no, if necesary, to the next date…

Anyway, I digress. The good thing was, we talked about being foodies, our jobs, travels etc. The bad thing was, I think he was a cheapskate. He talked about prices and money and whether his drink was worth $11. He also doesn’t like doing downtown often because of the cost of gas and parking…and while, yes I do understand being fiscally responsbile, talk about money always puts me off, especially complaining about money to strangers… What was worse was that he also bragged about being a label whore. And how he only stays at the best hotels when he travels because well, his work pays for it.

The topic of money aside, I have to admit, he was nice in that he really didn’t scan the room looking bored. He was also talkative enough without being a chatterbox, and quiet enough to ask me questions. And I confess, he took my yawning in his face as well as he could… You see, this past week, I’d been functioning on less than 4 hours of sleep a night. Add in non stop stress, an exam, a horrid work load and too much driving, and you have one sleepy, tired date on a Friday evening. Of course, I apologized but that was rather rude of me. I did make up for it by pandering to his ego as best as I could, and listen attentively after that. In fact, that’s when the topic of his ex-gf came up, and he ended the conversation by saying that he liked how confident and mature I sounded

But I think we both knew this evening was going nowhere. The spark wasn’t there, and he’d be silly not to notice that. So, I hope that when he said “Hey, so can I call you to ask you out again?” and I guiltily said “Sure, of course”, he didn’t mean it… and that he doesn’t.

The good thing about the date: it didn’t end in a horrible disaster like I thought it would.

The bad thing about the date: it just made me realize how far I really have to go…

Step 1: complete

So I took the plunge, and I signed up on eharmony.com. Don’t know if i did the right thing. The signing up process was so darn long… but it’s done, it’s up. Everyday eharmony.com sends me the list of my potential soul mates . It tells me how far away they live, their ethnicity, their religion and age, and the answers to their “what are the things you are passionate about” type of questions..SERIOUSLY?  Where are the things that matter – his astrological sign for instance! Sure, you think I’m joking, but I’m really not I want to know the answers to the frivolous questions, because to me, that says a lot more about a person than his “I am passionate about life, family and friends” comments.  Does the person start studying two days before the exam? Has he ever spit in public? The last time he lost his temper, did he stomp his foot?  You know, the little things

Anyway, this online dating business is a bit daunting. It took me a day to finalize my profile, another three days before I had enough courage to put up a picture. I still don’t think I’ll admit to most of my friends that I’m on it. Like I said, I am not looking for a life partner, I just want to date, learn how to be confident, project “me” in a positive, engaging manner.  I’m not expecting anything….   because let’s face it, the profiles…they all seem the same. I don’t really even read them until someone contacts me. And I am pretty sure that most guys don’t read the profiles either. Online, as in real life, it’s about whether or not the person likes the way you look. If they do, they’ll want to meet you, If they don’t – oh well, on to the next one The only difference is, you don’t even know you’ve been rejected

So once the messaging back and forth starts, you get a better sense of the perosn. But you still need to meet. I guess I AM being brave since I just exchanged numbers with one of the “matches”

This new chapter of 2009

Dear Maya,

I’m happy that you are joining me on the journey of dating this year.  After the long break, I feel I’m ready as well.

I have to say though that I don’t think you will get the answer for any the questions until you actually dive head first into the dating game, Maya.  Step one is possibly the entire step and a very important one.    Seriously ask yourself if you are ready for anything to happen and able to handle the emotions that go with being vulnerable with someone and watching them do the same with you.  Only then will you know what direction you want to go in.

Its not possible to optimize the results before the quest begins- its not that mathematical.   A date might be like a job interview at first, but I’ve been feeling contrary to popular myth dating isn’t like looking for a job where you have pros and cons that are universal for certain age group or gender.  Its so subjective.

You want to date? Just start taking chances on guys, regardless of where you meet them or if they are the ones or the opinion of your friends. Be ready to make mistakes, be tired and hopeless..its part of the process! Don’t demand a time-period either like I did with my 50 dates in a year either.  I, briefly felt like I failed when I only managed to 20. But then it hit me, no one else is putting up these kinds of expectations except me. So I am allowed to disappoint me

Anyway, think positive and don’t give up thinking positive is what I’m saying. If  you are feeling negative, take a break like I did.  We might never be completely satisfied but at the end we are the only ones that benefit for learning a little bit more about ourselves.

All the best to us!

Love,
Lata

Step 1: Getting Ready

Ok, so seriously, people what is the first step if I want to start dating? Do I focus internally? Do I focus on meeting new people? Do I join a “club” where there are more boys than girls? Do I sign up on match.com? How do I give the right signals to people? Correction: How do I give the right signals to the right people?  Who ARE the right people?

Decisions, decisions, decisions! 

HELP!?

Lata gets a persective from her therapist

I’ve always freely admitted to anyone within earshot that I’m picky about who I consider a friend and I’ve always chalked it up to trust issues. I might take people for face value and hope that they are well-intentioned, but at the same time I’m not one of those people who can tell a lot about a person from gazing directly into their eyes or from their  handshake.  I take a really long time to trust someone enough to confide in them as a friend.  It’s no doubt that I’m a very outgoing social person, but being friendly does not mean one has a lot of friend- just a select trusted few would do. That mainly has been my motto.

However recently, my trust in a family member who is also my oldest best friend has been badly shaken to the point that I’m more depressed than ever and no matter what the healthy positive steps I take like going out, taking classes, moving house, I just can not seem to leave the sadness behind.  I had been skeptical about seeking professional help  and even in the last 10 sessions I don’t think I really trusted my therapist.  Not that I think he’s not capable but more like he won’t be able to help me. To top it all off I inevitably cry at every session and its very unnerving doing that in front of a complete stranger.

Then after our 11st session today I think something might have clicked.   I finally  realized how a therapist helps you.  It might seem like a lot of one sided talking first, but therapy works because the therapist encourages you to take the time to feel whatever emotion  you are feeling instead of getting annoyed at it for lasting so long.  Your therapist,  along with your friends and family, will  tell you go out, talk to people ,  be active etc ;  but only a therapist will tell you that those might be healthy steps to take but they might still not make you feel less sad or less hopeless.   Only allowing yourself the time and opportunity to let your emotions out, will in the end make you realize what it is that is bothering you. You might be embarrassed to tell your loved ones again and again that even after more than  year you feel no happier, but only with a therapist will you not feel the rush- not because they want your money, but because they are working with you to help you feel better about your emotions by prioritizing it.  They are also very good with picking out the right words to describe your emotions.

For example, I was able to accept my therapist’s suggestion that I have to find someone to fill in the role that this person used to play in my life.  But until very recently I did not realize how difficult I found it to trust another person to do it.  Forget trusting a guy as a life partner I could barely trust my friends to be able to fill  that hole.  So I told my therapist that I have trust issues and  I’m not sure if I can handle another betrayal.  His response was to ask what the opposite of trust is. I drew a blank and he filled in that it was ‘fear’. Now somehow,  to me,  ‘being afraid of getting betrayed again’ sounded like a problem that is easier to tackle than ‘having trust issues’.   I’m not this  non-trusting freak, I’m just afraid.  Fear is a natural and in fact its a survival mechanism for all life.  It just made me feel that I’m not such a loser for refusing to date or for continuing to be sad about the loss of this person.   It is what I feel and I will feel better in my own time.  I will  need to work through the fear, let myself be sad but continue with  going out and be social until I find someone I feel safe with.   Its an intuitive feeling and I felt it with an Ex, which means I will probably know if I feel it again.  Till then I’ll have to learn to let friends in a little be more about showing emotions intead of running around filling the role of ‘Robin William’s at a party. I just hope I don’t lose too many friends while I go through this process.

Its a start.

Maya Needs to Learn How to Date

So I’ve decided to start dating! Why is it such a big deal, you ask? Well, because I’m almost 30 and I’ve never really had a real relationship. In fact, I think you can count on one hand the number of proper dates I’ve been on. As for relationships, forget about it. My last serious relationship was  uhm…10 years ago ! An embarassing fact to admit, but might as well get that over and done with.

Here’s the thing. I need to learn how to date if I am ever to have  a hope of finding someone significant enough to get married to. I need to learn how to behave with boys. Or men. I dont’ know what it is I do that I’m (a) perpetually single, and (b) never the girl that men seem to ask out. What is it, do you think?

I dress up, I put make up on – in fact, I’m pretty girly.I have varied interests. I am funny. So why is it that I never get asked out? Day after day, month after month, year after year – barring extremely rare exceptions, I spend it “single”.

For most people, being single means they can’t find the right person. For some, being single means they don’t want to find the right person right now. For me, being single means never going on dates in the first place to figure out if i can/want to find the right person!

The only time a man seems to be interested is when he already has a girlfriend (whom he will never- and shouldn’t ever – leave), and he enjoys flirting with me and making me wish for something I’ll never have.

*SIGH*

So here’s the thing. I’m going to put myself out there. I’m going to read up on how to get dates. I’m going to try and get dates.  Maybe even brave the big bad world of online dating. I don’t expect to find the love of my life this way. I just want to be smooth enough, suave enough and interesting enough to be able to handle a date with mr.somewhat right IF he ever comes along. And the only way, I can do this if I learn how to be attractive enough for men to ask me out (or brave enough to successfully ask out someone and be accepted!).

I’m slightly at a loss as to how to start though…. Any ideas?

Unaccoutable weight gain and 3 moments of happiness

Beginning 2009 with a real possibility that I weight at least 15lbs more than what I did same time last year is not a happy prospect.   Even harder has been  finding three moments of genuine happiness in the last two weeks of 2008.

Is it wrong to confess that two of moments  were found on TV/Moves? Probably! Oh well, here are the three moments that made me truly happy-

1. watching ‘How I met Your Mother’ and laughing outloud  at Barney being slapped.

2.  cute moments of the movie ‘Arranged’ and ‘Rab Ne Bana Di Jori’

3. enjoying the flavourful Arabic coffee at Paramount restaurant with M.

(I would have quoted finding a pair of beautiful bedside lamps on for $20 as another happy moment had my dad not lost it in the move )

Since I’m quite unable to be happy about anything at this point, onwards with weight-loss plans for 2009.

From this point on, both my cat and I are on a diet together . I should probably buy a scale though.

~ Lata

1 lb of weight = 3 moments of happiness?

If you had to choose between losing 1 lb in 1 week, or finding 3 genuinely happy moments during that same week – which do you think would come easier? 

If you guessed losing weight for Maya, then *DING DING DING DING*  you would be right!

I weighed in 2.4 lbs below what I weighed in last week. Reasons of vanity prevent me from saying how much that really is, but suffice it to say that I had gained a LOT of weight in recent months, and I’ve been recycling the same 1-1.2 lbs for the past two months – up 1 lb, down 0.8, up 0.6 lb, down 1.2… a never ending bitter cycle.  In fact, I don’t know if this 2.4 lbs loss will be sustainable, but for now, I’ll take it

Of course, it’s a testament to my mental state of unhappiness right now, that I can lose weight more easily than I can find reasons to be happy. How sad is that? Oh well, losing this weight *IS* a cause for happiness, and if I can lose another, oh say 20 lbs, I’d be ecstatic   I wonder if I ever will?  Lose the 20 lbs or be truly ecstatic?

 

~ Maya

Of Looking To The Past

Dear Maya,

I’m glad we had the long chat the other day even if I wasn’t sure if I managed to calm you down much.  The good thing about our friendship is that, generally when one of us is feeling down, the other is in a slightly better state to offer up some encouraging motivating words. The bad thing is, even when we are living a continent apart, we still, on occasion, manage to be in sync with our dark moods.

So I did end up going to the ‘Disaster-in-waiting-Anniversary Party’ that I was telling you about.   Bought the tickets ages ago and still I put off deciding on an outfit for weeks.   I was hoping that I’d sprain my ankle or something so I’d have a legitimate excuse to back out of going.   I felt so torn, Maya.   At first,  it was exciting to be a part of the reunion dinner to celebrate a club that I founded  when I was 20,  but then it hit me – in a lot of ways, it was also like going to your high school reunion, only worse.  You are expected outgrow the rose coloured visions forged in high school, but as university alumni you are supposed to be ‘doing what you wanted to do when you grow up’ and be an example to the undergrads in attendance as well!  So this dinner party was really a contest of ‘Who Has the Best Life Since Graduatioin’!  

The thought constantly circulating though my head was – so what if I never had to struggle to get a job or  that I was well travelled  or that I moved to a different city to live on my own;  I still don’t make a shit load of money or drive an expensive car, that anyone can travel and I only moved to a different city because I was too chicken to break it off with Crazy Ex!!!  Sure, maybe everyone didn’t know that- but I DID!  Then there there was the added insult being one of 3 alumni of my year who were still single!  What of the other two you ask? Well, one is recently divorced and one used to dance at the Electric Circus (*shudder) !  I really wanted to be the gorgeous, strong, independent 30 year old who IS able to show up at a dinner party alone and prove it to the world that she is still a success even if single.   But I was failing miserably in keeping up the ‘single but alive’ facade.  They used to call me the man-hater back in undergrad!  Now showing up to that party without a guy, would be proving them right, even if I ACTUALLY LIKE MEN now, damn it!   At the same time, I couldn’t deal with not showing up either- it felt like accepting defeat.

Of course I couldn’t escape seeing certain people who are likely to be in attendance either.  Would it  benefit my self esteem at all by subjecting myself to their company?   I barely keep in touch with most of them and some of the self-serving assholes I would frankly loathe to see enjoying themselves.  I don’t begrudge their happiness per say, but lets say that,  I rather they NOT look so happy sitting across from me with their bitchy spouses and successful careers.  I know- I’m a horrid person.  But really,  if there was some justice in this world, they wouldn’t get showered with adulation after all the hurtful selfish stunts they pulled in the name of friendship! 

Inevitably, that’s exactly what happened all through out the night and strangely enough, I still had an okay time and I came home with intact ego.

The credit goes to – M.  I think taking M along with me helped tonnes.   Like a true non-smug-married she agreed to go with me even when she clearly didn’t need to.  When she came to pick me up,   in midst of me running around like a mad woman trying to fix my makeup, she listned to my long list of insecurities.   Then, without losing a moment, she burst out laughing and that made me realize how ludicrous it all was.  I don’t care about those people  and what they think of me anyway! I had decided to cut them out of life a long ago and there was no way that they were inching their way back in.  So, in the grand scheme of things, It Doesn’t Matter.  We looked fabulous and the event was just one night.  We decided to make it an evening of  giggles,  nostalgic ruminations about the silly things we did when we were young and rolled our eyes at the pompousness of it all.  I wouldn’t trade places with most of the people there and if 10 years from now I had to go to another reunion without a guy, I would.  Maybe that time, you’ll be here to come with M and I.  :)

Getting her optimism back,

Lata

Smoke coming out of my ears

Dear Lata:

Thanks for the laughs, and for calling. It’s helped put things in perspective. No of course I’m not really in love with him. In fact, he called two days ago to see what I was up to, and if I wanted to hang out. I didn’t pick up the phone, and so he left a voicemail. I am yet to call him back.

I tihnk you’re right – it’s time to purge the negative, useless, toxic relationships from our lives. If there was a way I could distance myself from them without feeling sad and depressed, I would. Not calling The Brat back feels liberating for now, but I also know that hearing about him/from him through our other friends still sets me back.

But this is such a necessary project. I need this. I need to learn how to walk away from pointless situations. I need to learn how to be on my own, and not give in to temptation for a temporary solution. I dont know if God will listen to me, and I especially don’t believe that God will help me – what’s that saying, God helps those who help themselves? That’s a bit pointless, isn’t it? Helping those who don’t need the help? Kind of like how the rich celebrities score the free gift baskets, and all sorts of perks. Apparently there is a bigger picture here – the celebrities are walking advertisments, which helps the companies make more money off of those people who are not rich/famous enough to score the freebies, but too stupid enough to not waste money on a lot of things they don’t need. Likewise, God helps those who help themselves because then He’s expended a minimal amoutn on interest/energy, and desperate fools like us will see that and somehow convince ourselves that somehow He made it all happen, and feel that it’s only a matter of time before He helps us too.

I need these people out of my life, Lata.  And at the risk of sounding like a bitter, blood-thirsty bitch, I need them to be less successful or less happy, or at least more regretful, until things start to go better for me. I know, I know, I am not proud of the way I sound, but I’m having SUCH a hard time keeping my chin up, my hopes up.  As each day passes, I’m more aware of the utter futility of my life, and the failure my life represents. I am 29, single and directionless. I live 2700 miles from my family and most of my friends. I like my job, and that’s the only thing that’s going well right now. But I’m having a hard time juggling school and work, and the selfish bastards that are in my life. I have gained weight. I’m breaking out like a schoolboy with raging hormones.

I’m so angry right now, I could spit.